Depressed

I want to scream I want to cry I want to run I want to pray I don't know what I want This is how I feel most days, yes I am depressed. Horribly and utterly depressed. I try so hard for my family to keep a smile on my face when I cry myself to sleep at night alone and scared. I am scared, What is happening to me, what is going to happen to my daughter. Is this my fault in where she is at. I don't know but I hurt, I hurt when I read about children or animals dying and I don't know how to deal with this. Yes people would say go to a doctor but I can't. I don't have the money truthfully and no I am not looking for hand outs either. I try to fight this without help but I am afraid I am losing the battle. I just want the pain to go away. I have been carrying it around for years and years and now it is boiling over to the point where I can't control it. Does anyone care? Laura

I really don't like December anymore

As a kid I loved this month and not just because of Christmas. As a kid I got two weeks at home and snow. Those were my reasons for loving December as a kid. As an adult I loved it because of my son's birth and snow. Now with all that has happen, I have lost the joy I once felt for this month. My daughter is in jail and more than likely never coming out for crimes she was accused of doing, and those 20 children who were killed last year at Sandy Hook elementary school. I think about those children who laid there dying wondering if they were call for their parents as their life slipped away. I cry for those parents who lost their children and could not be there for them. As I never have lost a child, I do not know the depth of their pain, I as a parent can only guess at it but the hurt is awful and worse I am sure. How do I let go of all this sadness I have inside of me my own personal sadness of all this. I just don't know anymore. I keep going and keep it to myself, not letting anyone know. I make sure my son has a good time but sometimes I just want to give up. Does anyone care? Laura

Really what does it all mean?

It is hard when you child begs for your help and in no way can you help. I want to take away her hurt, I want to take away my hurt. But how, how do I make it better? I want to scream at the whole world she is not a monster. I can understand how families are hurt by the news media. I believe in my daughter as any mother would not just because the evidence states it. I feel for people who are convicted and they are innocent. Life goes on but how does mine, my daughter, and my young son move beyond this point. It's something I don't have the answers for yet. I write and write(not much on here but poems by hand) to vent my feels for everything and everyone. I am making quilts, one for my son and one for my daughter and I think a good way to get through this is to make those quilts about them in some way, each square has a special meaning to me and them. In some ways maybe this will give me some answers I am missing and some peace for my soul. Well I better go for now does anyone care? Laura

Blindsided

I have been blindsided, knocked completely off my feet. It seems even worse than that, my daughter who is an adult is being charged with sexual rape of two little children. She stated she did not do it and as her mother I believe her. But the media has made a monster out of her. I feel so helpless to help her with all this. Yes we have a good attorney but still there is nothing else I can do for her right now. I also feel so bad for those families that are involved as well. I just want to run and scream and make this all go away. I now have a complete understanding of how other families feel when someone get's charged and blamed for something. It is a nightmare, a horror that does not go away and affects everyone around you. The media is a cruel tool when it is you they are after and anyone who knows you. I am tried to keep it together and keep things normal for my son but how can I? I keep thinking deep down, did she really do this and if so where did I go wrong with her? She was great growing up and after high school was going to college until she meet this guy who is pure evil. How could she not see this, when I warned her about him so much. She sits in jail on a 2 million bond that I could never afford to get her out on and I think safer in there in some ways. I never wish this upon anyone but yet there are other families out there in the same position I am in. I have to be strong for my family but I am tired because I feel as if I am fighting a losing battle with the media and what people believe. I just don't know. Does anyone care? Laura

Where does the road lead to now

I am truly at a cross roads right now. I know deep within my heart what I need to do and yet I am not sure what holds me back. I fear this is not only hurting me but it is hurting my son as well although he hides it well. I need to get rid of the wrong that is in our life and that is my husband. Let's be honest, he does not deserve that title and really never has. He has hurt this family in the same manor that he had did with his first family. He will not change and I need to get away. I need to get the strength up like I did before and move on and start fresh once again. I just hate being with him and no I am not feeling sorry for myself. I know I what I have to do and I know no one could do it for me but only me. Does anyone care? Laura

Someone throws a rock in the pond

Well it has been longer than I would have liked to write something but life has a way of getting away from a person. On August 15th, I decided after not feeling well for a couple of weeks to go into the ER. Now I do not have insurance so I really had to think about it before I went in. I was lucky to say the least. If I had not gone in I would have been dead a day or two later. I have CHf, Congestive Heart Failure. I was shocked to say the least and my heart has weaken due to this and may not get back to the way it was when it was healthy. I must have had an angel watching over me(my grandmother I hope). I am not sure what really made me go in and what made me decide to stay either although the doctor recommended it because he was not sure what was wrong and needed more testing to find out. It has given me a scare and a great sense of being grateful to the life I have. It has opened my eyes and made me rethink what is important and what is not important in life. I want to live longer and see my children grow older and what becomes of their life. I want to do other things and explore what life has to offer me. I want to live. It is simple as that. I have a lot of rethinking about how I should live this life and let go of what is not important to me anymore. Great chances are coming, I am going to make them and I am going to live. Does anyone Care Laura

My Cottage

Some day even if in my dreams I shall own a cottage, one like you would find say in England, Scotland or Ireland. I want somewhere with such peace and simple way of life. If I every won some money that is what I would buy. I would not buy some huge house, I mean really who wants that when you could have the best in the simplest form. I see pictures of homes in Europe and would love to have a home there. I did not realize what a good thing I had when I had it(living in Germany). I want the such simple things but even those have a price tag on them. Someday it will happen. Does anyone care?

Just Me

I am sitting here and wondering what I should write about and I am not sure I have so many thoughts going through my head and being ADD does not help. I have so much I want to say, I want to do, and I want to see but yet I am like in the middle and not sure which path to go on. I enjoy doing so much and yet have a hard time completing anything I start for most things. I am working on a quilt for my son and than I should like to make one for my daughter. I enjoy sewing and it gives me the peace that I seek at times. It is amazing how much I want to do and just the thoughts of it overwhelm me at times. I have a better understand of what people think and do when I watch them. I spend a lot of time watch others and learning their body language. I can tell a lot about a person based on just their body language. I really don't have any friends although facebook would state otherwise but to have someone sit and just talk to, no I don't have anyone around here. That is why I am good at reading people. I study them and try to learn why it is easier for some to make friends and others do not. Life is a roller coaster that is for sure. I am going to make this short and hopefully get back on more but I do work two jobs so that makes it a littler harder at times to write and not make sense. Does Anyone Care? Laura

The grass is not greener on the other side

So after some serious soul searching, I decided that I really had to leave my job. The big problem is finding a job that pays the same or more, so after some searching and interviews I found a place that I thought would be good for me. Boy how wrong I was. I have only been there three days but I can see that this may not work out for me after all. The first day everyone was pulled into a meeting and was told that there will be a six week layoff without pay. I can't do that I have to support my family and with no income that is not going to happen. So I went the next day to talk to HR because they should have warned me and I would have delayed taking the job. At this point I am not sure what I am going to be doing and I am stressed out. My son is upset because I have had to cancel some skating practices for him and I know he really wanted to do it. I am going to see what I can do and go from there. Does anybody care?

Changes

I do not like changes, that being said, I have to decide on a job offer that I receive today. It is better and I need it but I do not like having changes in my life. I am never sure what is going to happen when I get somewhere new and wonder if it the right fit for me. It would be something different and yet something I have been doing for a long time. I just have to think that is all. I did receive some great news, my dad does not have cancer. The doctors removed everything and he is good to go for the moment. That does not mean he has in the clear but better than we thought. I can't think about my dad not being here even though I know we all have a time to go. It is just made me realize how much I really love him and still as an adult need him. Life passes us by so fast that when you stop and look around you wonder how the hell did that happen so fast, where did the time go. I can remember sitting as a child thinking I can't wait to grow up, now I think about wishing I was still little again. Yes I have lots of do overs and changes I wish I could do but in the end that is what has made me and just want to take it slower in life. This post is a crazy one I guess with a little bit of here and there. Does anyone care? Laura

April Fools

Life is something, something bigger than us and yet we think about it in such a small box. There are times when I hear something negative and I stop and wonder what makes people the way they are. I mean do they think in such small ways and not worry what they do or say affects others around them complete strangers. Is there ever going to come a time when we really understand what people are thinking or doing? I wish I could just take the bad away and fix the broken people. I feel at this point I am just rambling, I have so much to say but I am not sure what to say or how to say it. Does anyone care? Laura

Life is bigger than me

For all my posts that I have written it has taken news about my father to make me realize that I need to stop and think about others. I think God has given me a shake up and has begun to set me on a different path in my life. My father may have thyroid cancer and will have surgery to find out for sure. The doctor is almost 100% sure but needs to take it out. It has made me stop and think about how the world is a much bigger place than just me. I have to really look around me and thank god for what I have and not worry about what I don't have. Yes I have to make changes but I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get going. No one made me pick my choices and accept what I have or have not. I have to be happy within myself and make choices that are good ones. I have to focus on my father and enjoy what time he has left. He is not well with having a bad heart and enjoy more time with him. It is hard to think about my father not being there, yes I know we all have a time to go but when you think about your parents gone it is hard to do. This teaches me that time is not on my side and I need to make the best of what I do have. I have to plan things that will make memories for my children so when my time comes it will be with a smile and less tears for them. Life is too short to feel sorry for one's self but to enjoy what is around you and your family. Who knows we could get hit from outer space and we are all gone. Does anyone care?

When does it end

I should know better, in fact I do know better, and yet I still do the same stupid things over and over. I am great at give people advice on what they should and should not do but I rarely if not at all follow the same advice. I am not as strong as people think I am, I guess I am good at pretending and I hate the way my life is going because I know I could do better. I don't wish to be married in fact I really love the idea of once my son is on his own feet when he gets older, I have thought about entering the nunnery. The peace that fills my soul when I do go to church is calling to me strongly. I begin to think that is when I will find my true calling and peace my trouble soul has right now. But my first duty is to my son and help him until otherwise. My daughter is already on her own, she will be 25 this summer and my son just turned 12 so I have a ways to go. If only I could find some measure of peace. I hate being married and just everything seems to be going wrong. I know that are people who are experiencing worst things than what I am going through but I just want it to be a little less pressure and some ease in my life. I know I am complaining but I need to vent right now. I just have to take one day at a time and plan differently. Right now I have to find a new house to move into because the lady who owns the house(my husband's daugther-It is her mother-in-law) is cheap, a bitch, and just nasty. I can't live here anymore with her as my landlady. I am looking at other places but just thinking about the money, packing, unpacking, and moving is already streeing me out!!!! Enough complaining. I would love to take cooking classess. I would love to learn to bake different sweet items and cakes. Cooking gives me some pleasure and I would like to explore it more. I would love to learn how to paint as well. These areas give me some joy as I once explored it before. I am going to look to our local community for some classes and see what I can find. I would like to get my son into cooking classes as well something for us to do together. Well I think I said enough tonight hopefully next time will be a better day Does anyone care? Laura

Repeating past mistakes

Sometimes I wonder why I keep repeating these mistakes over and over again. I found out that my husband has restarted his friendship with this woman that I have asked him not to twice before. He swears he is not sleeping with her and yet I was not born yesterday either. Do I believe he is sleeping with her, my brain says no, but my heart says yes. Either way I do not wish her in my life or around anything to do with my life. I am tried of my husband's lies and broken promises, he has agree to sign divorce papers if I want them(does that me he wants to move on?) if that is what I want. I don't know what I want and yet I do. I want him gone without the hassle of it all and he won't do it that way. I mean why stay with someone if you don't want to be with them right? You would think that I am happier with my life as I try and slowly build things back the way it should be, but he is like a thorn that won't go away. I am wanting so much to better things and the devil has a way of knocking a person down but I won't let him win. My son last week got upset with another student and without thinking about his words told him that he would harm him if he didn't stop talking about him. He was suspended from school fro 10 days and I have spoken to him about his words and stopping and thinking before you speak. Life is not a straight course but one big tidal wave that takes you somewhere different each time. Does anyone care? Laura

Feeling Better

Well I am feeling emotionly better, I have gotten past the depression for the moment and looking at things a better way. I do need to make some changes in my life: my career for one. I am tried of working at where I am right now I want something different, better for me and everyone around me. When I was working my second job the other day, a person came into the store. I have never seen or spoken to him before. It appears that he is a seer and told me things that no one ever knew about and he was right which really give me pause to think about and face some things that I did not want too. It give me something to think about and what I want to do with my life. Well we have had some serious snow and it looks beautiful outside but I hate driving in it. My dog is laying here next to me sleeping(it is what he does best lol). I have a lot of things to do around the house but I just can't get started the way I should. It is my first Sunday off in a while and really just want to relax. Today is peaceful and so far calm. I think I am just going to go and enjoy it. Will write more later Does anyone Care? Laura

Just Me

I am not sure why but I can't shake this depression that seems to have me in it's grip since Dec. 14, 2012. Nothing seems to be going alright and I look for the light at the end of the tunnel: it's not there. I am bitchy and just tired of everything. It is the same thing day in and day out. I know I should just go to my doctor but I really don't have the time or money for that. What I want to know is why am I so depressed? Christmas was not that great and yet it was for everyone else. I am glad it was great for my son. I know one thing that I am tired of where I am working and think it is time for a new change there. After so many years it is time to move on and spread my wings to fly. Where I am going to fly too is the question and it can be very scarey if you do not know where the wind takes you. Writing here helps me even if I write badly. I am wondering what others do to left them out of their depression. I have been depressed before but not like this. I just feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Well with that note I am off for the moment. Does anyone care? Laura

It many ways I guess I am glad no one is ready my posts. I know they sound like a poor me writings but they are not. I do not feel sorry for myself as the old saying goes "You made your bed, now you lay in it". I just found out my husband is trying to sleep with his best friend's wife. It is not the first or second time he has crossed this line and I know it will not be the last. I have asked him many times to leave as I just wish to do this peacefully and not cause a huge blowout in front of our son. I hate him and no I do not wish to stay with him. I don't have the money to just pick up and leave so it would make it more easy for him to leave. I guess it is boiling down to the fact that I have to take legal action now and have to get a warrent for him to be forced to leave. I have no desire to find another man as this was my second marriage and like the first it did not work. I guess in the end I was just meant to take care of my children and live my life as God want's it. I am not sure what God wants but I guess I am going to find out. I need the strength to get through this and I am not sure where to find it. I am tried to be honest and right now I want to cry, scream and just throw things like a two year old. I am not going to give into it though I have to be strong and find this somewhere within me. I am working to jobs to better things and I feel as if I am doing it one day at a time. There is a lot to work on within myself as well as things around me. The thing of it is I am not a patience person and learning patiences is hard for me. I can plan things out but I want to get to the end goal right away and that is not how life works. I get that for the most part. This wind is howling outside my window as if it is doing the screaming for me. I feel better as I write this and the red angry I felt when starting this is going away. But the pain is not. I have always stated if you want out, go I wont hold you back. I am not a clinging person and I want people to be happy. If you feel the need to cheat that means you are not happy and I don't want someone who is not happy to be with me. I also am not going to allow you to have your cake and eat it too. Life is like lemons but my lemonda is not that sweet I guess. I just have to keep trying but in a different way. Snow should be coming soon and I welcome it right now. I need the peace that watching it fall can give you. It relaxes me as if it is taking away the pain covering my hurt soul. Does anyone care? Laura

A peck of spring

These past couple of days have been a tease of what is to come in a couple months. It is has been been warm and yet tomorrow it is going to be only 29 degrees. Life is like weather, you never know what is coming no matter how hard you try to predict it ahead of time. I know I have done a lot of things that I have to answer for and I try to do a lot of good as well when I can. Sometimes it gets to be too much though. When I think about the bad vs. good on a scale I am sure at times it seems like the bad outweights the good. I am not a bad person in general but I have a lot to answer for. I am making some changes that are for the good but the steps are slow and takes time. It is hard to go slow but at times I realize it is for the best. I have so many things that I need to change in my life and what I do, I just wish I had the right support system to help me along. I think that is what is the most important thing is not having the right support system. In many ways I do not need someone to help me but I wish at other times I did. I do not mean having a man, it could be a good friend as well. I do have two good friends but I do not open myself up to them. I am not sure why but I don't and I have realized I hate my day good. I am burned out working at that daycare. I need to be somewhere else. I really want to be in the classroom at some point. I think I am tried of working for the people I work for but yet they paid my insurance and I feel stuck there. Once I am done with school next December I will have more doors open for me in the work field but it seems a long way off from now. Well it is Sunday and I have a lot to do so for now it is good bye and Does anybody care? Laura

It has been awhile

I have not written in sometime. I was sick with the flu really bad and than for those of you who have heard about the shooting on December 14, 2012 of those 20 innocence children at school, really made me depressed for the rest of the month. I took it hard just like the rest of the people who have children. I did not know those children or those families but it hurt as if they were my own and took me a really long time to pull myself out of the depression I was in. I can not begin to guess what those families are feeling right now and I wish I could take away their pain and bring back their loved ones. But I know I must go on and I know I need to get back into going to church. The world will never understand what drives people to those acts of volience, people can blame guns or the devil but truely in the end we will never know. So I am back to writing and express my inner most feelings and I hope someone out there cares enough to just read them. I want people to understand what it means to be lonely and wishing someone to hear them even in here writing thoughts and feelings down no matter how right or wrong they seem. Does anyone care? Laura