Birthdays Come and Go

Yes I had my birthday this month, it was no big deal.  My son took me out to dinner, to Brown Derby.  I enjoyed it very much.  It was a good night for all of us.  I have been fighting the winter blues and feel like I am winning that war.  I am a lover of snow but it has been too much this time.  I want to feel the warmth of the sun, not hot though.  I will be glad when spring really comes.  I feel as if it is the time that I am going to make some changes this year.  I have applied for a new job that I am hoping to get.  It is a new direction for me and would make all the hard work of school seem like it has paid off for me.  I finished my master degree.  I am excited and yet I still can't believe I have done it.  If you would have asked me about school as a teen I would have looked at you like you were crazy.  At that time I dreamed of a picket white fence and several children running around.  I wanted to be a stay at home mom.  I have since found out that I do not like to stay at home and I love going to college. 


Things have not always gone the way I had hoped or planned.  My daughter is in serious trouble and my son is working through teenage emotions.  I know I am going to make it but it has it's bumps in the road at times.  I ask God why and without waiting for his answer I keep going and maybe that is the answer and never realized it until now.  I am strong but at times I have a break down or two.  I do not let the devil have his day.  I am going to make those changes for both myself and my son.  Does Any one care?

Looking Things Over

When I go back and read what I wrote, I can see where I am really depressed and when other days are not so bad. Today I feel okay, I am smiling and doing just fine. I think about events and realize that I can't let those events run my life. I feel their pain as if it were my own but I have to realize it is not my pain. It is just hard not to feel for others. I feel their pain and I want so much to take it away, to make them happy once more. In the long run I am making myself more unhappy by this. I hate the thought of families hurting over a loved one gone or just not with them for what ever reason. Okay so let's talk about happier things. Here in Ohio it is very cold but sunny for the moment. I love days like this when I can stay home and enjoy watching the snow fall or blow around. But I am at work for the moment, and at least I have a smile on my face. Later I am going to pick up my son from his oldest sister's house. We may go to a movie or just try and do something together. He is 13 so it can be hard to find things to do together that he likes. Tomorrow I am going to go to the Art museum and I will try and get Joey to go with me. I love looking at the old art and capture the thoughts and process that the artist were thinking about. From there maybe Joey and I will get some lunch, a place we have not visited before. I would love to go somewhere new and different. All this is planned depending on the weather. If it snows like crazy than we stay home, I do not like to drive in the snow. Well I am going to end this on a positive note. Smile it makes the day brighter. Does Anyone Care Laura

Life Goes On

I read today about a young boy 8 years old who saved 6 people in his family, went back into the fire(house was on fire) and died trying to save an Uncle who was handicap. I can not begin to say to myself how that boy was more than just a hero. He is an example of how we humans should be. I pray for more like him and less like some evil people we still have walking on this earth. It gives me pause to think about others and not of myself so much. I am depressed but when I think of someone who gives his life for others I feel worthless in the fact that I should not think of poor me so much but think of others more and do more. I need to get back into church and find myself and where I can do the most good. I am trying to keep ahead of this depression but there are times it sinks me to the bottom of the earth and getting back up it hard. My daughter is still in jail and it will be many months before the trail really begins. I pray she finds the help she needs and only God knows what really happens. I struggle to find answers for her and the families involved. I wonder where I lost her, was it all my fault, was there something I could have done more, and what is going to happen next. I look at my son and pray that I do not make the same mistakes and yet there are some things that I do need to change for the better for him but yet I don't have the inner strength I need. I have to do what is right but God I need help to do it, I can't do it on my own. I am fighting for my children and myself. I am not a good parent, I try to protect my son from his father as he is abusive verbally. I make no excused for him as he is really not meant to be a father but of course I did not know that before. I have plans and I am trying to make it work but it is not easy. I will do what is best for my son and that is to get a better life for him away from his father. He loves his father but does not like his father. His father is bi-polar and still this is no excuse for his hurtful words he yells at him or me. Life is not kind to me but I make the best out of it. I will make it even better for my son. Does Anyone Care? Laura

Depressed

I want to scream I want to cry I want to run I want to pray I don't know what I want This is how I feel most days, yes I am depressed. Horribly and utterly depressed. I try so hard for my family to keep a smile on my face when I cry myself to sleep at night alone and scared. I am scared, What is happening to me, what is going to happen to my daughter. Is this my fault in where she is at. I don't know but I hurt, I hurt when I read about children or animals dying and I don't know how to deal with this. Yes people would say go to a doctor but I can't. I don't have the money truthfully and no I am not looking for hand outs either. I try to fight this without help but I am afraid I am losing the battle. I just want the pain to go away. I have been carrying it around for years and years and now it is boiling over to the point where I can't control it. Does anyone care? Laura

I really don't like December anymore

As a kid I loved this month and not just because of Christmas. As a kid I got two weeks at home and snow. Those were my reasons for loving December as a kid. As an adult I loved it because of my son's birth and snow. Now with all that has happen, I have lost the joy I once felt for this month. My daughter is in jail and more than likely never coming out for crimes she was accused of doing, and those 20 children who were killed last year at Sandy Hook elementary school. I think about those children who laid there dying wondering if they were call for their parents as their life slipped away. I cry for those parents who lost their children and could not be there for them. As I never have lost a child, I do not know the depth of their pain, I as a parent can only guess at it but the hurt is awful and worse I am sure. How do I let go of all this sadness I have inside of me my own personal sadness of all this. I just don't know anymore. I keep going and keep it to myself, not letting anyone know. I make sure my son has a good time but sometimes I just want to give up. Does anyone care? Laura

Really what does it all mean?

It is hard when you child begs for your help and in no way can you help. I want to take away her hurt, I want to take away my hurt. But how, how do I make it better? I want to scream at the whole world she is not a monster. I can understand how families are hurt by the news media. I believe in my daughter as any mother would not just because the evidence states it. I feel for people who are convicted and they are innocent. Life goes on but how does mine, my daughter, and my young son move beyond this point. It's something I don't have the answers for yet. I write and write(not much on here but poems by hand) to vent my feels for everything and everyone. I am making quilts, one for my son and one for my daughter and I think a good way to get through this is to make those quilts about them in some way, each square has a special meaning to me and them. In some ways maybe this will give me some answers I am missing and some peace for my soul. Well I better go for now does anyone care? Laura

Blindsided

I have been blindsided, knocked completely off my feet. It seems even worse than that, my daughter who is an adult is being charged with sexual rape of two little children. She stated she did not do it and as her mother I believe her. But the media has made a monster out of her. I feel so helpless to help her with all this. Yes we have a good attorney but still there is nothing else I can do for her right now. I also feel so bad for those families that are involved as well. I just want to run and scream and make this all go away. I now have a complete understanding of how other families feel when someone get's charged and blamed for something. It is a nightmare, a horror that does not go away and affects everyone around you. The media is a cruel tool when it is you they are after and anyone who knows you. I am tried to keep it together and keep things normal for my son but how can I? I keep thinking deep down, did she really do this and if so where did I go wrong with her? She was great growing up and after high school was going to college until she meet this guy who is pure evil. How could she not see this, when I warned her about him so much. She sits in jail on a 2 million bond that I could never afford to get her out on and I think safer in there in some ways. I never wish this upon anyone but yet there are other families out there in the same position I am in. I have to be strong for my family but I am tired because I feel as if I am fighting a losing battle with the media and what people believe. I just don't know. Does anyone care? Laura