Just Me

I am not sure why but I can't shake this depression that seems to have me in it's grip since Dec. 14, 2012. Nothing seems to be going alright and I look for the light at the end of the tunnel: it's not there. I am bitchy and just tired of everything. It is the same thing day in and day out. I know I should just go to my doctor but I really don't have the time or money for that. What I want to know is why am I so depressed? Christmas was not that great and yet it was for everyone else. I am glad it was great for my son. I know one thing that I am tired of where I am working and think it is time for a new change there. After so many years it is time to move on and spread my wings to fly. Where I am going to fly too is the question and it can be very scarey if you do not know where the wind takes you. Writing here helps me even if I write badly. I am wondering what others do to left them out of their depression. I have been depressed before but not like this. I just feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. Well with that note I am off for the moment. Does anyone care? Laura

It many ways I guess I am glad no one is ready my posts. I know they sound like a poor me writings but they are not. I do not feel sorry for myself as the old saying goes "You made your bed, now you lay in it". I just found out my husband is trying to sleep with his best friend's wife. It is not the first or second time he has crossed this line and I know it will not be the last. I have asked him many times to leave as I just wish to do this peacefully and not cause a huge blowout in front of our son. I hate him and no I do not wish to stay with him. I don't have the money to just pick up and leave so it would make it more easy for him to leave. I guess it is boiling down to the fact that I have to take legal action now and have to get a warrent for him to be forced to leave. I have no desire to find another man as this was my second marriage and like the first it did not work. I guess in the end I was just meant to take care of my children and live my life as God want's it. I am not sure what God wants but I guess I am going to find out. I need the strength to get through this and I am not sure where to find it. I am tried to be honest and right now I want to cry, scream and just throw things like a two year old. I am not going to give into it though I have to be strong and find this somewhere within me. I am working to jobs to better things and I feel as if I am doing it one day at a time. There is a lot to work on within myself as well as things around me. The thing of it is I am not a patience person and learning patiences is hard for me. I can plan things out but I want to get to the end goal right away and that is not how life works. I get that for the most part. This wind is howling outside my window as if it is doing the screaming for me. I feel better as I write this and the red angry I felt when starting this is going away. But the pain is not. I have always stated if you want out, go I wont hold you back. I am not a clinging person and I want people to be happy. If you feel the need to cheat that means you are not happy and I don't want someone who is not happy to be with me. I also am not going to allow you to have your cake and eat it too. Life is like lemons but my lemonda is not that sweet I guess. I just have to keep trying but in a different way. Snow should be coming soon and I welcome it right now. I need the peace that watching it fall can give you. It relaxes me as if it is taking away the pain covering my hurt soul. Does anyone care? Laura

A peck of spring

These past couple of days have been a tease of what is to come in a couple months. It is has been been warm and yet tomorrow it is going to be only 29 degrees. Life is like weather, you never know what is coming no matter how hard you try to predict it ahead of time. I know I have done a lot of things that I have to answer for and I try to do a lot of good as well when I can. Sometimes it gets to be too much though. When I think about the bad vs. good on a scale I am sure at times it seems like the bad outweights the good. I am not a bad person in general but I have a lot to answer for. I am making some changes that are for the good but the steps are slow and takes time. It is hard to go slow but at times I realize it is for the best. I have so many things that I need to change in my life and what I do, I just wish I had the right support system to help me along. I think that is what is the most important thing is not having the right support system. In many ways I do not need someone to help me but I wish at other times I did. I do not mean having a man, it could be a good friend as well. I do have two good friends but I do not open myself up to them. I am not sure why but I don't and I have realized I hate my day good. I am burned out working at that daycare. I need to be somewhere else. I really want to be in the classroom at some point. I think I am tried of working for the people I work for but yet they paid my insurance and I feel stuck there. Once I am done with school next December I will have more doors open for me in the work field but it seems a long way off from now. Well it is Sunday and I have a lot to do so for now it is good bye and Does anybody care? Laura

It has been awhile

I have not written in sometime. I was sick with the flu really bad and than for those of you who have heard about the shooting on December 14, 2012 of those 20 innocence children at school, really made me depressed for the rest of the month. I took it hard just like the rest of the people who have children. I did not know those children or those families but it hurt as if they were my own and took me a really long time to pull myself out of the depression I was in. I can not begin to guess what those families are feeling right now and I wish I could take away their pain and bring back their loved ones. But I know I must go on and I know I need to get back into going to church. The world will never understand what drives people to those acts of volience, people can blame guns or the devil but truely in the end we will never know. So I am back to writing and express my inner most feelings and I hope someone out there cares enough to just read them. I want people to understand what it means to be lonely and wishing someone to hear them even in here writing thoughts and feelings down no matter how right or wrong they seem. Does anyone care? Laura