Depressed

I want to scream I want to cry I want to run I want to pray I don't know what I want This is how I feel most days, yes I am depressed. Horribly and utterly depressed. I try so hard for my family to keep a smile on my face when I cry myself to sleep at night alone and scared. I am scared, What is happening to me, what is going to happen to my daughter. Is this my fault in where she is at. I don't know but I hurt, I hurt when I read about children or animals dying and I don't know how to deal with this. Yes people would say go to a doctor but I can't. I don't have the money truthfully and no I am not looking for hand outs either. I try to fight this without help but I am afraid I am losing the battle. I just want the pain to go away. I have been carrying it around for years and years and now it is boiling over to the point where I can't control it. Does anyone care? Laura

I really don't like December anymore

As a kid I loved this month and not just because of Christmas. As a kid I got two weeks at home and snow. Those were my reasons for loving December as a kid. As an adult I loved it because of my son's birth and snow. Now with all that has happen, I have lost the joy I once felt for this month. My daughter is in jail and more than likely never coming out for crimes she was accused of doing, and those 20 children who were killed last year at Sandy Hook elementary school. I think about those children who laid there dying wondering if they were call for their parents as their life slipped away. I cry for those parents who lost their children and could not be there for them. As I never have lost a child, I do not know the depth of their pain, I as a parent can only guess at it but the hurt is awful and worse I am sure. How do I let go of all this sadness I have inside of me my own personal sadness of all this. I just don't know anymore. I keep going and keep it to myself, not letting anyone know. I make sure my son has a good time but sometimes I just want to give up. Does anyone care? Laura