The Truth

Sometimes facing the truth is the hardest thing anyone can do. Tonight I have come to that and I am not sure how I am feeling. It is not a new truth for me but one that has been coming a long time. My husband hates me and prefers other womem. I have caught him before, many times in fact but always I have tried to work things out for our son. It will not work this time. I can see the hatred in his eyes as well as his words when he speaks to me. I am hoping he will move out without it getting ugly to the point of having the police remove him at the end of the month. It hurts but yet it does not. I think what hurts the most is I feel like I failed once again. This is my second marriage as well as his too. I have no desire to have another marriage or relationship ever and it is okay. I am okay with that. I have a wonderful son to raise and that is the most important thing right now. But it still hurts. I want to scream, throw things, and hurt him as he has hurt me. I know I wont do it but it helps a little to write even if no one is reading this.

My emotions feel like this picture, all over the place and just not normal. I can't get to were I need to be until he leaves and I am afraid he maynot, I want him gone. He is verbally abusing to me and our son with his words. It is easy for me to tell someone what they should do but it is very hard to follow my own advice. I feel the Christmas sprite slowly leaving my soul with his ugliness around me. Broken wings never meant to fly damaged soul hurting tears of shame keep you tied to the ground Broken wings feathers dying all around you withering away becoming the skelton melting into the earth happiness all gone well this is most differently not one of my better poems but it is how I am feeling and trying to express it, letting no cutting the power he thinks he has over me Does anyone care? Laura

Snow for Christmas

We have 18 days until Christmas. It is very warm for us this time of year and I wonder if we will get any snow for Christmas. Christmas does not feel like Christmas with out snow. I try to remember as a kid when we lived in Virginia that we did not always get snow and yet I can't remember not having it. Not having snow is like not having lights on the tree or cookies for Santa. We did not have snow last year because it was warm again, I wonder if it is global warming? I feel more in the Christmas sprite this year than I have in many years. Last year I did not even decorate the house at all. It was sad and to say the least not a happy time. Why you may ask, I am not sure. I could not tell you it was any one thing but the sprite was not there.

This is what I wish to see on Christmas day. The beauty of it is priceless. There are sounds we hear when snow is falling. It is a beautiful sound of peace and happiness. It surrounds you and fills your soul with what you seek in life. Well more later Does anyone care? Laura

This past weekend

This past weekend was a very good weekend. I finished up all xmas shopping, wrapped everything and put up the tree. I put lights all around the house(inside) and it was great. I got in the xmas mood. The holiday moved me in so many ways. I stopped and really thought about what it means. I wish I could get my children to feel the same way. I worry that all they see is the material things and in some way that is just as much as my fault as it is their's. I gave them a lot and should have given less and more on the holiday meaning itself. I am hoping to change this as time moves on. It makes me feel lonely too. I mean no one to share the special moments with. To take pleasure in the simple and wonderful things that happen around us. Does anyone care?

Christmas

It is hard to get into christmas this year. I feel as if we are losing the real reason we have christmas. It is not the presents but the time that is spent with family. Yes I want my kids to get nice things but those things can be bought anytime of the year if it truly needed. I want the old fashion christmas of the past. Decorating the house, wonderful smells of things being baked, hot cocca, taking walks in the snow, singing carols, and walking in small villages. Where did we lose all this? I have quite enough of the crazy ads, sales, and people acting as if they have no common sense. I still remember a pregnant lady dying when Cabbage patch kids first came out. People have lost what is important at any holiday time not just Christmas. Does anyone care? Laura

My job

I have been in my field for almost 20 years now. I work in the early childhood field. The last seven years I have worked for one company that until lately. Comments are made and gives you wonder if you are next to be let go. The work force it really bad for teachers/directors right now and not likely to get better. Am I next, I wonder and will find out on friday. If it is not me than it is another director of our company. I hate to see anyone let go with Christmas coming upon us right now and it would be really bad for me in the end as well. I am going to leave this post as it is. Does anyone care? Laura

Just another day

Today was just another day. I had a million things that I could have done and yet I could not bring myself to do anything other than washing some clothes. Snow was falling all day and it was peaceful. It was just me and my pug Mr. Wuggles all day. I read "Wives and Daughters" by Elizabeth Gaskell and flip through some TV. I thought about what I wanted to write here today and yet I could think of nothing of importance. I am not sure that is good or bad. I did wish I had someone to go out with today, shop a little and stop at starbucks. I also though how lovely it would be to have a simple cottage in England or Wales. Have my own garden and sit around drinking tea, enjoying the world around me. That is my dream and whether it happens or not I will always have that dream. It sounds lonely to some people but I am lonely here now so it does not matter much I think. Well I am going to make me a cup of tea and watch the snow right now dreaming of my cottage. Does anybody care? Laura

It is snowing

It is snowing for the first time since last winter. The snow is so beautiful. I sit here and watch it fall. Each snowflake is unique and that is how I feel right now. I am not sure it is in a good way being unique but I am different. I feel as if the snow is laying upon my soul right now and I want to twirl in the middle of it as it lays fresh and ready for the touch of it. Snow is an innocence person until something touches it and then it is just another part of us. I love how fresh and new it is, it cleans one soul and touches us in ways we have not known since our birth. It is as if God is cleancing our souls once again. I would love to have someone to talk to about the snow falling and what it will bring for us in the next few days. To share ideas and dreams of yesterday and tomorrow. There is only one chance we are given and no matter what you have to grab it with both hands before it is gone. I lost that chance years ago and now I sit here married but alone watching the snow fall once more. My dreams are just that, dreams and I am not so sure there is a tomorrow for me. I look, dream, and feel as if time is just floating away from me like the snowflakes falling down. Falling Falling down Silent are the sounds we hear Millions of tears kiss the ground given way to you covering your soul gently as a kiss it takes the pain and melts it away to where dreams go Falling Falling down upon you like a crown White and pure is your gown as you lay upon the ground Waiting just waiting Does anybody care? Laura

Dreams

Dreams are something we hold on too. They express our desires, hopes, wants and yes even needs. I dreams something last night that in my deepest darkest spot, I want a new life. The dream was somewhere in the country with horses and a country fair. There was a man and his family in it(brothers and sisters). I had someone that I thought was a friend but not sure, and of course I was trying to get this guy to understand it was him I wanted and none of the extras, if that makes since. There was more of course such as a twister in a thunderstorm and a weird guy thinking he was batman. ( I didn't eat anything before I went to bed!). What I think the dream means at least to me is finding the right guy and the chances I have lost in getting that guy. I have picked the wrong ones thinking they were the right ones but I know better know. I dream a lot and love dreaming, it shows me how things could have been and something what will come indirectly I think. Sometimes I wish I could do nothing but dream but I realize then I would be commited to a hosiptal if that happen. Don't get me wrong I love my children but wish I picked the right path in life and not the wrong one at times. It is Thanksgiving today, what are you thankful for today? What I think about it and all the death that happen the past two weeks, it is simple I am thankful for being here still. That God has given me life still and does not need me yet and hopefully not for a long time. Give thanks not for what you don't have or need but just being here still. Does anybody care? Laura

I am back I think

It has been a crazy time since I last wrote. So much as happened, life changes, people born and people dying. What amazes me is how people keep going without a pause, a look back, or just embracing the moment. Life is some how set on fast pace and we miss so much of it. In two days it will be Thanksgiving, will you pause to really count your blessings or just move through the dinner without really looking who is around you and who is not. Then comes the crazy time of shopping make sure everyone has what they want but not what they need. What is needed can't be bought in a store, wrapped up, or put under a tree. What is needed comes from the heart, a piece of your soul to give to the ones you love around you and ones you meet for the very first time. I want to pause and give thanks for everyone who has enter and exited my life in different ways both good and bad. Things happen for a reason and whether I learned from them or not, I still pause to take a look around me, stepping off the fast pace track for a few moments in time. Does anyone care? Laura