Birthdays Come and Go

Yes I had my birthday this month, it was no big deal.  My son took me out to dinner, to Brown Derby.  I enjoyed it very much.  It was a good night for all of us.  I have been fighting the winter blues and feel like I am winning that war.  I am a lover of snow but it has been too much this time.  I want to feel the warmth of the sun, not hot though.  I will be glad when spring really comes.  I feel as if it is the time that I am going to make some changes this year.  I have applied for a new job that I am hoping to get.  It is a new direction for me and would make all the hard work of school seem like it has paid off for me.  I finished my master degree.  I am excited and yet I still can't believe I have done it.  If you would have asked me about school as a teen I would have looked at you like you were crazy.  At that time I dreamed of a picket white fence and several children running around.  I wanted to be a stay at home mom.  I have since found out that I do not like to stay at home and I love going to college. 


Things have not always gone the way I had hoped or planned.  My daughter is in serious trouble and my son is working through teenage emotions.  I know I am going to make it but it has it's bumps in the road at times.  I ask God why and without waiting for his answer I keep going and maybe that is the answer and never realized it until now.  I am strong but at times I have a break down or two.  I do not let the devil have his day.  I am going to make those changes for both myself and my son.  Does Any one care?

Looking Things Over

When I go back and read what I wrote, I can see where I am really depressed and when other days are not so bad. Today I feel okay, I am smiling and doing just fine. I think about events and realize that I can't let those events run my life. I feel their pain as if it were my own but I have to realize it is not my pain. It is just hard not to feel for others. I feel their pain and I want so much to take it away, to make them happy once more. In the long run I am making myself more unhappy by this. I hate the thought of families hurting over a loved one gone or just not with them for what ever reason. Okay so let's talk about happier things. Here in Ohio it is very cold but sunny for the moment. I love days like this when I can stay home and enjoy watching the snow fall or blow around. But I am at work for the moment, and at least I have a smile on my face. Later I am going to pick up my son from his oldest sister's house. We may go to a movie or just try and do something together. He is 13 so it can be hard to find things to do together that he likes. Tomorrow I am going to go to the Art museum and I will try and get Joey to go with me. I love looking at the old art and capture the thoughts and process that the artist were thinking about. From there maybe Joey and I will get some lunch, a place we have not visited before. I would love to go somewhere new and different. All this is planned depending on the weather. If it snows like crazy than we stay home, I do not like to drive in the snow. Well I am going to end this on a positive note. Smile it makes the day brighter. Does Anyone Care Laura

Life Goes On

I read today about a young boy 8 years old who saved 6 people in his family, went back into the fire(house was on fire) and died trying to save an Uncle who was handicap. I can not begin to say to myself how that boy was more than just a hero. He is an example of how we humans should be. I pray for more like him and less like some evil people we still have walking on this earth. It gives me pause to think about others and not of myself so much. I am depressed but when I think of someone who gives his life for others I feel worthless in the fact that I should not think of poor me so much but think of others more and do more. I need to get back into church and find myself and where I can do the most good. I am trying to keep ahead of this depression but there are times it sinks me to the bottom of the earth and getting back up it hard. My daughter is still in jail and it will be many months before the trail really begins. I pray she finds the help she needs and only God knows what really happens. I struggle to find answers for her and the families involved. I wonder where I lost her, was it all my fault, was there something I could have done more, and what is going to happen next. I look at my son and pray that I do not make the same mistakes and yet there are some things that I do need to change for the better for him but yet I don't have the inner strength I need. I have to do what is right but God I need help to do it, I can't do it on my own. I am fighting for my children and myself. I am not a good parent, I try to protect my son from his father as he is abusive verbally. I make no excused for him as he is really not meant to be a father but of course I did not know that before. I have plans and I am trying to make it work but it is not easy. I will do what is best for my son and that is to get a better life for him away from his father. He loves his father but does not like his father. His father is bi-polar and still this is no excuse for his hurtful words he yells at him or me. Life is not kind to me but I make the best out of it. I will make it even better for my son. Does Anyone Care? Laura