The Truth

Sometimes facing the truth is the hardest thing anyone can do. Tonight I have come to that and I am not sure how I am feeling. It is not a new truth for me but one that has been coming a long time. My husband hates me and prefers other womem. I have caught him before, many times in fact but always I have tried to work things out for our son. It will not work this time. I can see the hatred in his eyes as well as his words when he speaks to me. I am hoping he will move out without it getting ugly to the point of having the police remove him at the end of the month. It hurts but yet it does not. I think what hurts the most is I feel like I failed once again. This is my second marriage as well as his too. I have no desire to have another marriage or relationship ever and it is okay. I am okay with that. I have a wonderful son to raise and that is the most important thing right now. But it still hurts. I want to scream, throw things, and hurt him as he has hurt me. I know I wont do it but it helps a little to write even if no one is reading this.

My emotions feel like this picture, all over the place and just not normal. I can't get to were I need to be until he leaves and I am afraid he maynot, I want him gone. He is verbally abusing to me and our son with his words. It is easy for me to tell someone what they should do but it is very hard to follow my own advice. I feel the Christmas sprite slowly leaving my soul with his ugliness around me. Broken wings never meant to fly damaged soul hurting tears of shame keep you tied to the ground Broken wings feathers dying all around you withering away becoming the skelton melting into the earth happiness all gone well this is most differently not one of my better poems but it is how I am feeling and trying to express it, letting no cutting the power he thinks he has over me Does anyone care? Laura

Snow for Christmas

We have 18 days until Christmas. It is very warm for us this time of year and I wonder if we will get any snow for Christmas. Christmas does not feel like Christmas with out snow. I try to remember as a kid when we lived in Virginia that we did not always get snow and yet I can't remember not having it. Not having snow is like not having lights on the tree or cookies for Santa. We did not have snow last year because it was warm again, I wonder if it is global warming? I feel more in the Christmas sprite this year than I have in many years. Last year I did not even decorate the house at all. It was sad and to say the least not a happy time. Why you may ask, I am not sure. I could not tell you it was any one thing but the sprite was not there.

This is what I wish to see on Christmas day. The beauty of it is priceless. There are sounds we hear when snow is falling. It is a beautiful sound of peace and happiness. It surrounds you and fills your soul with what you seek in life. Well more later Does anyone care? Laura

This past weekend

This past weekend was a very good weekend. I finished up all xmas shopping, wrapped everything and put up the tree. I put lights all around the house(inside) and it was great. I got in the xmas mood. The holiday moved me in so many ways. I stopped and really thought about what it means. I wish I could get my children to feel the same way. I worry that all they see is the material things and in some way that is just as much as my fault as it is their's. I gave them a lot and should have given less and more on the holiday meaning itself. I am hoping to change this as time moves on. It makes me feel lonely too. I mean no one to share the special moments with. To take pleasure in the simple and wonderful things that happen around us. Does anyone care?